whenever you're ready







I thought it would be different. Somehow. It was kind of cold, and the air was dry but there was sunlight busting through the window and gunning down the guitars on the walls and the drums and the keys under my fingers and that was warm. I thought I'd feel like I didn't belong. Somehow. I don't know. I thought I'd be nervous. I was waiting to be nervous. Like how a little kid would wander around a dusty old neighborhood looking for her lost mutt -- that was me. Looking for the cold, tingly stuff that gets into my hands when I'm nervous about something. I used to be like that. I used to not be able to sing front of people. And I've had friends ask me, "Don't you get nervous singing in front of people?" To which I reply, "No. I don't." And I couldn't tell you when that started, because I don't know. One day I just... forced myself to sing out loud when everything inside me wanted to curl up and hide like a spoiled child, but I put my own foot down and said NO. You will do this. Because you want to, even if you don't want to. That right there, I'm starting to learn, is the ultimate self-respect: do it. because you want to. even if you don't want to. It's tough, I know. I'm not saying it's easy. But you've just gotta do it. Because you'll feel so good. 

So I stood there, waiting for the nervousness, but it never came. I just felt sort of numb, like I was soaking in something very good and very nourishing. And I stood there, and I did a sound check into the microphone. 

"Are you going to start belting it out at the chorus?"

"Yes..."

"Give me some of that."

And I felt like I was finally home.

love,
beezee

4 comments

  1. high five for pushing through and loving what you're doing! i can't wait to hear what is gonna come out of this because i can tell you're putting a whole ton into it. and you're worlds and pictures have cozy, cold day written all over them. xoxojana

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you so much, Jana! Wow, your comment was so sweet and made me smile. (: I'm so excited to live every moment of this adventure. Thanks for reading, dear!
      love, beezee

      Delete
  2. holy oh my gah DISSSSS. Abbie I love you so much and you are an artist, and you are brilliant and beautiful and strong. just keep charging on into that delicious, whirling fray like that horse in the book of Job. "ultimate self-respect: do it. because you want to. even if you don't want to. It's tough, I know. I'm not saying it's easy. But you've just gotta do it. Because you'll feel so good." < that is one of the best things to ever hit earth's good soil, dude

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Aww, thank you so so much. sister. You're such a inspiration to me. <3 I know not about the horse in the book of Job. *feels illiterate for a moment* But I will pretend I'm a horse and charge into the fray all da same. Love youuu.

      Delete

kind words are like raindrops on the desert. they make me bloom with happiness, as absolutely cliche and cheesy as that sounds. even if it's just a simple alt+3 i will heart you for it. so, go ahead! MAKE MY DAY. literally.