TODAY IS THE DAY WE TALK ABOUT A MARVELOUS SUBJECT: ME. I am obviously pretty awesome for a long list of reasons* but let’s talk about how I’m ALMOST certain that I am actually British.** Now for a disclaimer: I know NOTHING about British people other than what I have brilliantly learned from Downton Abbey, Mr. Selfridge, and Jane Austen books/movies. This is probably a post full of stereotypes that not all British people meet. BUT IF YOU’RE BRITISH, PLEASE DON’T THINK ILL OF ME (see that’s a phrase you guys use, right??) because I THINK YOU’RE AWESOME. And if I’m not already British, I WISH I WAS. So with that little disclaimer out of the way, LET’S GO OVER THE EVIDENCE.
*a monstrous list which we obviously do not have time to compose *LOUD COUGHING*
**OKAY OKAY so yes i actually have a small fragment of British in my blood. some tiny amount like 14% but STILL. there.
I’ve always been FAR MORE in love with tea than with coffee. (In fact coffee hates me now and gives me a stomach ache. Not nice, coffee. We are never ever getting back together.) In the afternoons, I try to always break from my work and have a cup of tea (preferably with cake or waffles or toast – TOAST IS BRITISH, RIGHT??)
I ALSO LOOK ADOPTED IN THIS REGARD. My family goes to the beach and the only one who looks like they didn’t go to the beach is ME OF COURSE. I am perpetually ghostly-white or slightly sunburnt. There is no in between. Is this a good or bad thing? We don’t know.*
*but at least i’ll have something in common with our newpresident?? #AllHailThePale
It’s become routine for my sister to accuse me of not laughing at her jokes – OR SHOULD I SAY “BRITISH LAUGHING” AT HER JOKES. It’s like laughing, only it’s silent. Because we don’t like people to see us smiling and all that nonsense. Also your joke was brilliant, I was crying laughing in my head…it just didn’t reach my face. No hard feelings.
CAN WE TAKE A MOMENT TO APPRECIATE BRITISH ACTING?? Because I am 10000% convinced that British acting surpasses American acting by LIGHT YEARS. Why is this?? You would think that after all the beautiful BBC dramas, our Hollywood folks would hike themselves over to the UK and get some proper lessons in acting. Also it’s fair to say that I’ve never been obsessed with a non-British TV show. It just has not happened, sir. Even the shows I was addicted to AS A SMALL CHILD were British. That’s devotion right there. Or BLOODLINE?? IDK. YOU TELL ME.
Of course I care about money. WE ALL DO, KIND OF, RIGHT?? But I don’t want people to think I ever worry about money. Nope. I’m totally calm and composed and nothing stresses me out! NOT EVEN A POTENTIAL APOCALYPSE NOPE I’M FINANCIALLY GOOD EVEN THOUGH I HAVE $2 IN MY BANK ACCOUNT.
Oh dear, now you want to HEAR IT don’t you?? Fine then.
Why can’t we be cool, calm, and collected ALL THE TIME?? Why can’t we at least APPEAR that way? So that other people see us and are like “omg goals” because they wish they weren’t so illogical and emotional too?? I’m not sure if this is a British thing or a Vulcan thing, but I’ll embrace it either way.
So what do you think? AM I ACTUALLY BRITISH? Here’s another question: are YOU actually British?? (with or without knowing it…also if you legit ARE British please tell me if I’m at all right in thinking that I belong in the UK.) Can you speak in a different accent? Are you on #TeamCoffee or #TeamTea?? (WHOA that’s the big question right there.)