We all know the feeling, blogger frens. The dreaded day looming in the feature when WE ABSOLUTELY WILL RUN OUT OF CONTENT FOR OUR BLOGS. Don’t deny it. The Blogger Content Apocalypse™ is coming, thus says my wise and majestic self, when our blogs will wither and die because we have completely run out of things to say. BUT NEVER FEAR.* I am going to tell you exactly how you can survive this apocalypse. (Because surprisingly I am in possession of all knowledge. That’s why everyone else knows nothing. BECAUSE I KNOW EVERYTHING.)
*actually what am i saying? FEAR. FEAR A LOT. this is supposed to be really ominous.
Or I should say try to run away. Because you are obviously not going to be able to stop this apocalypse (or any apocalypse for that matter.) Foresee the terrible future. Eat some chocolate. Get your emotions out. Grab your cat (or some waffles, whichever is more important to you*) AND RUN AS FAST AS YOU CAN. I don’t know what direction you should run in. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO KNOW?? Jeez. Y’all are looking at me like I have all the answers or something.
*if waffles are not more important than your cat, you obviously need to reevaluate your priorities.
If you can’t run, then you can hide. But you better expect the authorities to come knocking at your door. The authorities in this case are OF COURSE YOUR LOVELY READERS. They were so loyal and fabulous! What did they do to deserve this, huh?? When are you posting on your blog again? WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU’VE RUN OUT OF CONTENT??? These questions are going to be asked, sir. You’re going to have to answer them. And after that, you’ll have to repair the fragments of your apocalyptic life. (It's okay to have mixed emotions about this.)
You can’t just go on like this! HOW WILL YOU SURVIVE? Exactly how someone in the real apocalypse would survive* of course – by stealing all the supplies you can get your hands on. To put it simply: YOU NEED TO STEAL OTHER BLOGGERS’ CONTENT. Simply go to their blogs and look at their last post, then copy/paste it onto your own blog. DONE. Or, if you prefer to be a little more creative, you can hack said blogger’s computer and find their top-secret files of blog post ideas. WHO NEEDS THAT KIND OF CONTENT?? YOU DO, MY FREN. YOU NEED CONTENT. A blogger’s gotta do what a blogger’s gotta do. It might be hard, but you are brave, sir. I BELIEVE IN YOU.
*no, not by calling the police. don’t you ever watch the apocalypse movies?? people who call the police NEVER GET ANSWERS ABOUT THE APOCALYPSE. heed my wise advice instead.
Though the Blogger Content Apocalypse™ might seem like a very real and ominous thing, IT IS ACTUALLY JUST A MYTH. No one has proved its existence. (That’s right – I’ve been speaking sarcastically this whole time. I know, big surprise. Thank you, thank you, I’ve WORKED AND WORKED on my dry sense of humor.) I’m sorry y’all – I believe in unicorns and dragons, but I don’t believe in the Blogger Content Apocalypse™. Here’s my theory: if your blog is the place where you talk on the internet, then you will never run out of things to say on your blog because you won’t run out of things to say in real life.
Can you imagine a day where you sit down to dinner with your family and you all have ABSOLUTELY NOTHING to say to each other?? Like…there is no need to talk. What is there to talk about? THE DAYS OF TALKING ARE OVER.*
This sounds impossible, doesn’t it? In the same way, my frens, it is impossible to run out of things to say on your blog. Of course, not everything might be Good Content™ but…that’s another blog post for another time, isn’t it? OR MAYBE IT’S A BLOG POST YOU COULD WRITE, IF YOU HAVE “RUN OUT OF CONTENT.” Capital idea. You’re welcome.
Of course I’ve experience small terrors that LOOK A LOT LIKE the Blogger Content Apocalypse™ – such as realizing that tomorrow is the day I’m scheduled to post on my blog and LOL I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT I’M GOING TO POST ABOUT. This happens to me frighteningly often. But guess what? I SURVIVE EVERY TIME. Yes, there are tears, but I make it out alive. I MEAN LOOK. I just wrote 928 words about NOT HAVING ANYTHING TO WRITE ABOUT. If that’s not rock bottom, I don’t know what is. (Maybe the real apocalypse? Maybe the apocalypse of NO WAFFLES?? omg no. don’t give me nightmares.)
*I KNOW WHAT YOU’RE THINKING AND YOU’RE RIGHT. this is the kind of apocalypse that happens to me whenever i am in public. what do you know, i have absolutely nothing to say! except i want to go home, did you know that? i hAte aWKwaRd siLeNceSSSSSSS.
Have you ever experienced the terror of the Blogger Content Apocalypse™? HOW DO YOU SURVIVE IT?? Have you ever run out of things to say in real life? Do awkward silences absolutely SLAUGHTER YOU TO BITS AND PIECES like they do to me?? If you had to run, would you grab waffles or your cat?
p.s. this blog is undergoing a few changes based on the survey you lovely people took the other day. but don't worry nothing too drastic. ;)